Can't Do This
by ephemeral PLEASURES
Summary: The Saiyuki gang reach a crossroads when one of their own falls ill. A quick story I wrote while battling my own sickness. D: .. Light Gojyo/Hakkai and rated T for language.


Saiyuki Fanfic – 01/09/2011

Inspired by: Being sick! ):

Listening to: Wasted – Cartel

"Oi! Knock it off, or else I am going to blow your brains out!"

Sanzo was the same; irritable and grouchy, violent and without mercy. Goku and Gojyo, however, were not acting themselves. Though the monk's threats sounded the usual, what warranted his complaints was quiet the opposite. His eyebrow twitching and low growl was brought about because of an eerie silence.

"I said, you two better get your sorry asses back together, or else I will fucking kill you both! Understand?" He was at his last nerve. Not only was Sanzo undergoing a severe nicotine withdrawal, but he was also dealing with two whiny brats. Gojyo was sitting near the cracked window, his languid figure half in shadows. Smoke swirled around his face, scarlet hair shimmering in the moon's glare. He had to be on his last cigarette, the monk thought bitterly, knowing that Gojyo, too, was suffering without his cancer sticks. Meanwhile, the golden eyed midget was flopped face down on the only bed in the room, his quiet sighs escaping his lips every so often. Sanzo was at the table, surveying the obnoxiously hushed area. A few moments after his second threat, Goku stirred, adjusting himself so that he cross-legged. His brown hair fell over his eyes, head hung in shame.

Scratching behind his neck, the boy tried to grapple with the words he wanted to say, "Hey…Sanzo, uhm, you think we could go see Hakkai now? I – I'm sure he's hungry." Sanzo felt like scoffing, wondering how the monkey had gotten so depressed that he actually considered someone else's needs. More so, Goku's comments only added to the blonde's building guilt in the pit of his stomach. It wasn't like he wanted this to happen, alright? If anything, this issue with Hakkai only put them farther behind. God damn it; why did it have to be him?

The monk stood, feeling cramped by the dark atmosphere, and faced away from the others. He leaned against the door frame, staring across the hallway at the shut room just steps beyond. The fool had done this to himself. It wasn't their fault that they hadn't noticed. Hakkai was always smiling, that detestable smile that those idiots seemed to count on. He chose to keep going himself, and Sanzo would not be burdened by the youkai's choices. His pep talk wasn't going over well in his head, and the growing itch for tobacco was worsening. In a fit of rage, the party leader turned on his posse, storming to the window where the red-headed kappa sat. Sanzo yanked on Gojyo's vest, ripping him from all his thoughts, and bringing him back to reality. In a loud bark, Sanzo ordered, "I'm sick and tired of looking at your pitiful mug. It's pissing me off."

With Sanzo inches away, spitting in his face, those purple eyes piercing his existence, Gojyo barely comprehended the words. It didn't take the kappa long, though, to finally put it all together, realizing he was being antagonized. Since when did Sanzo go looking for a fight? Long finger wrapped around the monk's wrist, wrenching Sanzo's hand off of his clothing. He was in no mood to deal with the other, no matter how amusing the blonde's childish behavior was. Looming over him, Gojyo brought the burning cigarette to his lips, taking a long drag as the ashes fell to the floor, and blew the smoke at the monk. "What the fuck do you want me to do about it?" his voice was full of venom, baiting Sanzo to make a move. He made note to drop the bud of the cig, stepping on its remains just centimeters away from the other's foot.

The ominous mood that had once engulfed the tiny room was replaced by extreme tension, almost more constricting than the former. Sanzo felt it as the smoke burned his eyes. Goku was observing the scene unfold, half standing and half sitting on the bed. His golden orbs were filled with concern and anxiety. Even the boy could tell it was a matter of time before punches were thrown, but he remained frozen. Goku couldn't think, rather, he could think, but he could only come to the conclusion that, "Hakkai would know what to do." But he wasn't Hakkai, he was just helpless.

Sanzo wasn't taking Gojyo's apathy well, having much preferred if he was told to "Fuck off." Unfortunately, the idiot had a point. Sanzo was just as miserable as the rest of them (though to admit this would certainly be the end of the monk). There was nothing to be done, and starting petty arguments wasn't curing him of anything. For a moment, Sanzo let his shoulders drop, sneering slightly as he took a few steps back. His eyes roamed over to Goku, whose face was twisted into an unusual frown. And as he looked at the almost frightened boy, Sanzo felt irked slightly. What was he doing? Feeling sorry for himself, for the others, for Hakkai? Cocking his blonde head back, the monk let his lips curve into a dangerous smirk. With a cool tone, Sanzo uttered, "Grow a pair and admit this is all your fucking fault. You –"

There was a loud crack when knuckle his jaw, sending Sanzo tumbling towards the ground and knocking over a chair. Gojyo's chest was heaving dramatically, while his fiery red eyes stared down at the monk. He hadn't thought; he didn't need to think. The dull pain that came from hitting bone was a distant thought in the kappa's head as he towered over the downed Sanzo. Had he been sprouting lies, Gojyo was sure he wouldn't have reacted so violently. But hearing him voice all the fears that were running through his own head pushed the red-head over the edge, and sent him flying at the other. Now Sanzo was recovering, and pushed his body back up. He was cackling at the blood that coated the corner of his lip, and reached around to grab his revolver of the table. Gojyo stopped moving as he stared down the barrel. Sanzo wouldn't do it, he wouldn't shoot him point blank even if he had hit him…would he? Goku had been standing near Sanzo, shouting things neither of them listened to. Now he was as still as the others, contemplating the same questions Gojyo was. With one fluid motion, however, Sanzo tossed the gun on the bed and lunged for the man, tackling him to the ground.

It was a brawl from there; Sanzo bashed Gojyo's head against the floor before getting thrown to the side by another hard punch to the face. Goku had jumped on top of the kappa when he pinned the monk to the floor, wrapping his arms around Gojyo's head in a desperate attempt to stop the fighting. Sanzo grabbed a fistful of hair, hoping it belonged to Gojyo, while Goku kicked the nearest body he could. A table that housed a lamp fell, the glass shattering on the floor. "Motherfucker! ARGH!" Gojyo screamed as a shard embedded itself into his palm. He'd managed to knee Sanzo in the chest, sending him back a bit, and falling into Goku. In a quick response, the monk grabbed a fallen ashtray and prepared to whip it at Gojyo's face. The heavy disk spiraled towards the kappa, nearly hitting the side of his head as he dodged. The ashtray broke into pieces, spraying Gojyo with the debris. There was a brief pause between the collision and what next occurred.

For a second or two, Sanzo locked eyes with his counterpart, their breaths almost matching in rhythm. There was no animosity in their gaze, but a mutual understanding. Goku did not understand; how could he? The boy knew nothing of existence, or surviving, of living. In the moments where the truth seems so unsure, there is a sense of helplessness that one undergoes. This state befell the Sanzo party that evening. What were they to do? They fought to remind them of pain, of loss, of anger, of anguish, of their suffering. To the untrained eye, it may appear that they just lost their cool. And having been travelling many, many miles down a path with no concrete end, perhaps they did lose their cool a bit. However, as Gojyo wiped the blood away from his nose, he couldn't help but grin at his companion. It was good to know that they hadn't given up the fight.

A small knock on the door went unheard, so Hakkai managed a small cough to alert the others to his presence. Gojyo's eyes slowly rose to the figure in the door way. Drenched in sweat, and looking much paler than normal, anyone could tell he was quite ill. Nevertheless, Hakkai had a shaky smile plastered on his face as he blinked at the scene below. With a weak voice, the healer managed to say, "M – My, don't stop on account of me." The light chuckle turned into an intense coughing fit, causing Hakkai to shake all over. He used the frame of the door as support, steadying his fragile physique. Everyone stood, Sanzo brushing off his robes, Gojyo running a hand through his knotted hair, and Goku kicking the ground bashfully. They'd all been caught behaving badly and knew it. Yet, it was easy enough to see that they were all too happy to see the other standing before them.

Gojyo was the first to speak, inching past Sanzo while he spoke, "Sorry for the prick, Hakkai! Didn't mean to wake you. How bout you get back to bed, kay? Hungry? I know the monkey wants somethin'. You can see it in his greedy little eyes." Like a sheep dog herds his sheep back in their pen, Gojyo was ushering Hakkai back across the way to the other room. Jeep was curled up at the edge of the bed, and chirped when the entered. Hakkai was silently protesting, but was too tired to actually put up a fight. Before Gojyo shut the door, he flipped Sanzo the finger, and grinned at Goku. Everything seemed to fall back into place fairly quickly, seeing as it wasn't seconds later that he heard the midget complain; "Sannzzzoo! ~ All this wrestling made me hungry! Wanna eat?" Gojyo even heard the monk's disgruntled compliance as they paced down the hallway. Soon their footsteps grew faint. It was only when he could no longer hear them, that the tall male turned his attention back to the patient.

Hakkai had probably gotten sick a week ago, and was hiding it from his travel companions for many days. It was only when he collapsed that they realized just how ill he'd become. Now, had they been thinking rationally, the three others might have realized that Hakkai was not truly in any risk, but emotions have a funny way of getting in the way of pragmatic thought. Each felt guilty for overlooking the signs, brushing off every coughing fit, or ignoring his lack of apatite. So the scene witnessed earlier was just the result of a day of worrying. Hakkai had been sleeping most of the day, and when he wasn't, he was barely keeping down even the mildest soups.

"So, are you going to tell me what that was about?" murmured the brunette from his bed, trying to watch Gojyo as he walked the room. The other slowly pulled a chair to the bedside. Hunched forward, elbows on knees, chin supported by palm; Gojyo stared. Hakkai was visibly fighting off sleep, stubbornly determined to stay awake though his body craved slumber.

The red-head felt a twinge of shame having woken up the other, but couldn't bring himself to move. He needed to be there, by his side. Was it selfish, wrong, immature? Gojyo gave him a lopsided smile before responding, "Fighting for the last cigarette. We're like animals, I tell ya. ~"

Hakkai's eyelids closed for a moment, then fluttered open again in an attempt to stay coherent. He sighed, and shivered though thoroughly bundled in blankets. "Mhmm…and Goku?"

"Oh, you know how he gets. If anyone touches his precious 'Sanzo' he goes ape-shit."

Hakkai's soft laughter eased Gojyo's racing heart. He could barely stand watching him. Though his eyes were now firmly closed now, sweat poured from his face. It ate at him that he couldn't understand how he didn't even notice Hakkai's pain. And now, what could he do for him? The male adjusted in his bed, muttering in a sleepy breath, "I'll pick up more…tomorrow…"

Soon, there was only sound of his breathing. It was the slow inhale and exhale that meant a peaceful sleep. Gojyo bit his lower lip, noticing the dried blood on it. He couldn't help but laugh bitterly at his infantile behavior. Like a spoiled child, he'd become so accustomed to having Hakkai around. He barely knew what to do all day today as he waited in that cramped room. His thoughts immediately turned to the worst outcomes, and soon he fell into a state of despair. It hurt. Gojyo's entire being hurt. Even though he was eased by being close to Hakkai, it didn't fix the emptiness he felt minute prior. What had happened to the man that lived solely for himself? Where was that man? Who had taken his place?

Jeep's cooing distracted the kappa, and he reached out to stroke his little head. With a happy peep, the dragon lay his head back down on the blanket. Gojyo pulled his hand back a bit, only to let his fingers drift over the sleeping body. He travelled up Hakkai's leg, his tips barely touching the blanket that separated them, and eventually passed his torso. Gojyo let his fingers caress Hakkai's warm cheek, circling the flesh gingerly. Years ago, he had saved a dying man that night in the rain. When did Hakkai save him?

Gojyo slowly stood, quietly returning the chair to its original position in the room. He crept back to his sleeping patient and couldn't help brushing Hakkai's hair off his forehead. Finally his fever was breaking, a sigh of relief escaping his lips without meaning to. Bending at the waist, Gojyo leaned over to kiss the brunette's forehead. He spoke almost silently against his skin, saying, "Get well soon, love. We can't do this without you."


End file.
